I waited for you
You were beautiful
And lovely
And full of noble intent
Smart, sassy, sexy, silly, sensuous
Our connection seemed uncanny and our potential undeniable
My heart bursting often and the joy and laughter flowed simply
I waited for you
Through your repressive illness
Through your fits of rage and rounds of tears
Through the rearing of your once broken heart and your fear of repetition
Through your waiting for what you yourself could not give
And your certainty that what you felt was only about now
Through your silences
Your isolation
Your indecision
Your un-openness
I waited for you
To love me
To want me
To trust me
To give me what you yourself said was to be expected
To see me as undeniably amazing
To throw down your fears and fill the void with your faith
To step boldly into this unknown land and proclaim,
“Here shall we build our house.”
-
But you rarely showed up
And when you did, you didn’t stay long
My hopes soaring to their fiery ends
I struggled to endure the grueling pains of uncertainty and withholding,
Certain that my waiting would finally win me this most desired of prizes
“Only a moment more,” I would say. “And that shall surely be enough.”
And so it goes, with great toil comes creeping doubt
Theories abounding, colliding, withering
And occasionally the voice of my bruised, heavy and torn heart inquiring,
“For whom do you wait?”
Louder and more frequent it grew
Talking grievance into moving over and giving grief a little space
Chipping cracks in the dark glass of pain to welcome glimpses of light
And sometimes the broken pieces flying into a beautiful, shattered mess
The Sun streaming through in full intensity
Unguarded
Brilliant
Love
-
More and more I have stopped waiting
Oh, but don’t think me free of my habit
Of course, sometimes I still wait for you
Hoping you might act the way of perfect movie ending
A flash of epiphany
A bold, sweeping gesture
And then we blah, blah, blah
But mostly, I just love you more and more every day
No, not that way
But in the way of a loving wish
A wish that you have started to stop waiting too
To stop waiting for the lover that couldn’t give you enough
For the parent that neglected you or wanted too much
For the loss to be reclaimed
For the conflict to be resolved
The burden lifted
The goal attained
The passage safely guaranteed
For freedom from fear and pain
To stop waiting for the perfect circumstance that will never come
And maybe I will see you up there sometime
When the courage to spread the wings of our hearts in faith
Has bloomed in the same season
And we shall meet in the Love that we were always waiting for
And let It fly as freely as It has always been
Copyright 2009 John Shapiro
4 Comments
Wow! John. Spectacular. Thanks for opening your heart to post this.
I just posted writing by Kahlil Gibran about Love on my blog. I imagine you’ve read it before.
http://rawveganmarathonmom.blogspot.com/2009/10/one-of-my-favorite-poets.html
Again, thanks for sharing. And yes, this time I read to the end!
Thanks, Laura!
And yes, I’ve read that. I used to LOVE it, but it has diminished somewhat for me over the years. He paints a picture that is a little more tortured and absent of some important stuff out than I think works for me.
I was never YOUR you, but I have been this you, I am this you. Can’t there be wisdom in waiting? Is it only fear that inspires us to wait, to draw back, to protect our most tender selves?
Maybe both sides must give over to Love, to It, to God before giving over to each other. That’s not easy to do. But it can be done NOW. There need not be any more waiting.
Thank you for sharing this; it moved me.
Thanks for you comments.
I think that is THE tricky thing about fear: When do we let it guide us to safety? And when is it for our growth calling us to move through it with faith and courage?